How Real Moms Survive Halloween... 13 Terrifying Truths

It's coming. Halloween. Gulp. It's almost as terrifying as Christmas day to a parent. Days of build up beforehand. Sugar loaded children... EVERYWHERE. So as that time draws near I thought I'd share the 13 horrifying things I've learned as a mom over the past eight years, and how to survive each one.

1. Whatever you child chose as a costume, will not be what they say they wanted to be. Yup that's right, you spent hours searching the stores for the "Elsa" costume, in her size, spent a fortune on it, and didn't you know? She "wanteddddd to beeeee Annnnnna". Just breathe, it's too late to win this battle.

2. Oh you bought a costume? Didn't you know "so and so moms made his costume, and it's so much better then mine"?. That's right, that Pinterest loving super mom made her child's costumes... From scratch... And for some reason it's not a Pinterest fail. Shouldn't your children just be grateful you remembered?? Breathe here too, you work full time. Pat yourself on the back and repeat after me... "I did my best". 

3. You are not Picasso so their face paint, make up, zombie skin, etc, well it's not going to be perfect. Never mind you went out at 9pm and spent like $90 on the forgotten make up the night before (all the cheap stuff was long gone), AND got up at 5am on the school party day to try to recreate the impossible. You'll need copious amounts of coffee in the house to survive this morning.

4. Their costumes are going to come home from school dirty AND trashed. Be sure to have abundant amounts of double sided tape, safety pins and hot glue on hand! May the universe give you at least 4 hours to wash and repair said costume before the actual trick or treating begins. (You may collect parental bonus points if October 31st is actually on a weekend day)!! You'll think about the fact that for $50 each a costume SHOULD last through an entire day... multiple times as you repair hems and glue new rhinestones on. I suggest doing this with a glass of wine near.

5. The day has arrived... Halloween. Your children are going to act like complete lunatics. All day. It's like they took an upper upon waking (One that they didn't offer you). If you have more then one child the fighting will reach epic proportions by mid afternoon. If you are self employed I suggest working for most of today and letting your better half parent today. If not, be prepared with copious amounts of coffee on hand once again. And wine. (You'll need that later).

6. Since your darling angels insisted on wearing their costumes from the crack of dawn on you can rest assured it'll be food covered by 9am. Don't worry about that, it's too late to wash and repair. Again. Every other ghoul out there will look similar.

7. There is no point in making dinner. Not only will your pint sized hobgoblins not be able to sit through "the last meal" of the day, they won't eat much. They "plan" on filling up on ample amounts of sugar laden garbage, and chips. Note that this is their plan, not yours. Have a glass of wine now to get yourself prepared, instead of slaving over the stove.

8. It's actually time to get prepared to go out. Gulp. Your son will have lost his sword and your daughter's matching mittens are NOWHERE to be found. That's right. In the hour before dinner your house ate them. Be prepared for large amounts of tears, have that Kleenex on stand by! Note that you'll find said mittens tomorrow in the freezer because they required "snowflake charging". Duh.

9. No one is allowed to look in the mirror after the above cry fest. Make up is smeared and the raccoon eyes look atrocious. March them to the door as fast as possible.

10a. We live in a cold climate. October 31st will either be flip flop weather OR 3-5 feet of snow. Your child is going to have to put on a snow suit in the latter situation. This is going to be a battle. Either the snow suit goes under the costume or it goes over the costume. Neither is going to please Batman and Wonder Woman. By the time you actually leave everyone is going to be a hot, sweaty mess. And chances are you've "raised" your voice receptively. And chances are the neighbour kids have heard while mingling just outside your door. Whatever... they had the same scene 15 minutes ago at home.
10b. Equip each little zombie with the required miniature candy collecting device. Note that this container will only hold approximately 5 houses worth of "goods". You as the parent are required to carry extra bags. Our family separates candy and chips. (Those little chip bags take up a lot of space. Over the years you'll learn to loath them). 
10c. Discuss the "rules". Snort. No running. No cutting through people's flower beds. No stopping at houses with lights off. No leaving your sibling behind. We say "thank you" at each stop. This is a required step, but when the door opens every child's mind is magically erased. Plaster a smile on your face and exit the house. Don't forget a travel mug filled with your favorite alcoholic brew.

11. By house number three you will have given up trying to enforce the rules listed in 10c. You are fairly certain you have the rudest little pumpkins on earth. Make a mental note to actually dress up next year, so your neighbours do not recognize you.

12. At some point in the first hour out your toddler will decide this trick or treating is not for them. After attempting to remove their costume numerous times they will collapse on the ground in a screaming rage. Other parents will artfully side step your little poltergeist and carry on. No one will actually be judging you because hey we've all been there too! Plop said toddler into a baby carrier or stroller. DO NOT FORGET A TODDLER CONTAINING DEVICE!!!

13. Stagger home in the dark. Be thankful upon return that no mischievous pint sized pirate has kicked in your beautifully carved Olaf and Mario pumpkins! Peel off costumes, scrub tiny faces, brush sugar laced teeth. Tuck in minion herd. Go from bed to bed wishing each one a good night and listen as they tell you how much fun they had, how you are the bestest parent ever, and how much they love you. Sigh contently. This is why you do this every year. You are the best parent ever. And no costume can do that justice. Now go forth and eat that candy!!

~Doula In The Wild

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